And here's the most random compilation of pictures, ever! LOL Although there were many days we went crazy time surprisingly went by quickly, we were SO thankful to have Daddy home and we had lots of fun!
(yes he drew this guy!)
Aunt Sami came to visit JUST before all hell broke loose.....
So many naps!
Desperate times......
(that might be one of my favorite pics ever!)
I mastered the scissor cut for Lucas during quarantine, but thankfully this guy just wanted to be like Daddy! (So did Lucas but Mommy isn't ready for that!)
We fixed baby girl's room up since we never did any work in there when we first moved in!
So thankful for this tradition!
(although it sadly didn't agree with Kylie)
Phoebe has become weirdly obsessed with the boys.....
😂😂😂 I have no caption!
Our family (finally officially) grew! ❤
I can't even remember when I gave Jeremy this lego set but we spent a couple days putting it together as a family!
We finally upgraded our TV in the living room to better accommodate the large space. It's now mounted on the wall!
Daddy did lots of improvements to our yard.....
I can't wait to see this buddy become a big brother. He is ever so sweet and brings me his elephant to lay on my stomach whenever I'm struggling.....
We celebrated a couple other big days during quarantine!
Someone turned 30!
When I asked the boys what they wanted to get Daddy for his birthday they said beer 😅 so he got a beer tasting subscription delivery, too!
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And then there's this guy.....the big 6-0!
I wish I had taken a picture of his dinner -
we had QUITE the surf & turf spread 😍
My Dad would probably say otherwise, but if it weren't for COVID the celebrations would have looked a bit different. I certainly had much bigger plans for Jeremy's big day (especially after what he did for mine). But we made the most out of it and at least one of them will get re-done!!!
Friday, October 16, 2020
Yesterday was October 15th.
A day I've always known as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day but never connected with. My Facebook memories brought up past posts from the years when I said I've never felt the pain but sent my heart out to those that had. This year I was flooded with the whatifs of our two angels we lost last year. No-one can prepare you for the pain, disappointment or blame that you sink into when you go through that loss. It doesn't matter when it happens, as soon as those lines show up on the stick your heart becomes a Mom again.
And then I feel our sweet Kylie kicking away and I know we soon will have a blessing in our arms. Her arrival doesn't hide our loss. I've thought back on this pregnancy a lot. Our losses effected things in so many ways and then we had COVID on top of it all. But then I thought back even earlier and I wanted to share "her story" since my blogs from the start of the year are gone. Although, when I wrote that blog back then I didn't know it was her story.
I didn't even know what that trip meant at the time that we went. I knew how big it felt in those moments. I knew how hard and how good it was. I knew how freeing it was. But I didn't know any of it to it's fullness. I didn't know that we were going to get our girl out of that trip.
It boggles my mind and makes it hard for me to type these words when I think of the order of events. When God shows up in a big way it's not surprising. But it is quite literally amazing. There's no reality to grasp at. There's no coincidence or explanation.
Losing a baby isn't something you can ever prepare your heart for. And losing two was absolutely crippling. I was in a dark place. I was not looking at the Lord. I didn't want to hear that He had a plan. But yet He still waited for me. He still outlined the events to get me where I needed to be for the work to be done.
Earlier in 2019 I wanted to buy Lauren Daigle tickets for my mom's Christmas present. At the time, I was pregnant. I found the perfect concert that wasn't too far away at a decent price, but it was 2 weeks before my due date. Lucas came two weeks early and since we'd have to travel a bit, it wasn't the smartest idea for me to make those plans. So, I settled very unhappily on Mercy Me/Jeremy Camp tickets instead that would work much better with our schedule.
And then I lost the baby.
In all of the feelings that this blog is not meant for, I realized that I could have gotten my mom the Lauren Daigle tickets I really wanted. So, my loving husband told me to buy the tickets I wanted and he and I would take the tickets for Mercy Me/Jeremy Camp as our Christmas presents. DONE!
You know what? My mom and I STILL didn't go to Lauren Daigle because of COVID. But it all needed to unfold in that way so that Jeremy and I would be the ones at that concert in February. After our second loss right before Christmas, it was a trip we needed for so many reasons.
I wish I had words to explain what happened to me while we were there. I can still feel it when I meditate on it. It was the most liberating and freeing thing I've ever felt in my whole life. It was like He just reached in and opened my chest so that everything could pour out and He could put me back together again. He told me that I don't have to be afraid. And I have held onto that phrase for the past 8 months.
You know what though? It gets even crazier.
When we lost our second baby before Christmas, I called the office for the OB/Midwife that I had chosen here in NY. I wasn't sure if I needed to come into the office or go to the ER for what I thought was happening. I was connected with a nurse to answer my questions and this nurse just happened to be someone I went to high school with. I could have been connected to any nurse. It could have been someone who didn't know me and just heard me as another patient. But I knew her and through it all she checked up on me and she told me about how she works with another doctor in the office who specializes in infertility and pregnancy loss. She encouraged me to see him for the next time.
So, when we found out we were expecting again, that's just what I did. And when my progesterone levels started to fall, he put me on medication to save the pregnancy. Guys.......if I had been with the Midwife I had chosen, she wouldn't have done those tests or provided me with that medication and I would have been back in my hole again.
I mean. COME ON! Goosebumps yet? It's mind blowing.
I'm not really even sure what the point of this post is. I guess I wanted to document the concert again for what it really was. To remind myself when I need it again of that moment and all the moments that led up to that and followed. God is good. When you are in your darkest place, turning AWAY from Him, He is still there unfolding His plan for you. I still have heartaches. I can't ask myself why because I know there isn't an answer. But I KNOW what I KNOW and it brings me peace and comfort.
