Prayer

Some of you may get sick of me writing about pretty much the same thing every post, but this is what it boils down to for the next month of my life and this class followed by my test...

Prayer:

a devout (earnest or sincere; hearty) petition (a request made for something desired) to God

I have shared my college and career journey with you all before and most of you know that my desire to become an RN has been a long and exhausting path. Before I decided to take this prep class and even after I made that decision I have battled with whether or not this is the right thing for me to do. Maybe it's just time to let this whole thing go. I have been battling with those same thoughts recently and it's getting harder and harder to press on with the long list of medications I face every day in this dreary book. I have found myself feeling various emotions. Nobody likes studying, but this week especially has been incredibly hard for me to stay focused on what I need to be doing. I should actually be doing just that right now instead of writing you. I am not sure why, after I had decided to let this career be in the past, I then had a complete meltdown. Knowing deep down that I wasn't ready for that. I am not sure why I chose to take this class. I am not sure why I am yet again spending money on this test. Part of me thinks that I'm just being completely crazy. Part of me thinks that I need to prove to myself that I can get through this dumb test. Part of me thinks that I need to prove to the world that I can get through this dumb test. Part of me believes, hopes and is desperately holding on to the still small Voice that nudged me along this path. I made this decision for a reason. I'm in this class for a reason. I'm taking this test again for a reason. And that reason might not be a passing grade. It doesn't have to be a passing grade. Honestly, maybe I need to fail it again. Maybe now that I'm exhausting every option I can think of to get me through this test, if I still get a failing grade, I will be able to move on and see what career is out there for me. 

So while I am praying and begging the Lord that this time will finally be my time, I'm also asking Him to show me His way, His will for me. My life will not end if I see that 'fail' on my computer screen again and I don't want to feel like it has. In that moment I want to be able to rest and hold on to His plan for me and know that it will be far better than anything I could ever dream for myself. 

"People can plan what they want to do, but it is the Lord who guides their steps." -Proverbs 16:9

P.S. Thank you to all of my dear friends and family members who have sent the encouraging thoughts and prayers my way lately. You are all loved and appreciated.